Shovel Talk
by dramasweety
Summary: The Inquisitor is very happy with his relationship with Dorian. And all his close friends want to make sure it stays that way. What better way accomplish that than some good-natured threats?


The warm sun surrounded Dorian, keeping him warm for a change. Around them, the garden seemed to enjoy it just as much. Flowers bloomed and birds were singing. It was disgustingly nice out.

"So, Dorian," Cullen started, staring down at the board. "I have a question for you."

The man sighed. "Very well, I admit it. I changed the color of one when you weren't looking."

"No, that's not – Maker's breath really? How did…? No, that wasn't my question. Besides, I'm winning this one regardless."

"You wish, Commander." Dorian rolled his eyes, though he knew it wasn't entirely wrong. At some point, Cullen had managed to get his rook behind his wall without him noticing.

The man regarded the board again, staring at it while he spoke. "I heard a rumor about you. Several, in fact."

"All true." Dorian said at once, folding his arms. "Especially the ones involving blood orgies."

"Maker, do people actually believe that nonsense?"

"What nonsense? I'll have you know that back home I participated in at least three blood magic orgy parties a week. I'm a _very_ evil magister."

He chuckled before his face dropped into a much more serious expression. "Actually, I meant the rumors concerning you and the Inquisitor."

Dorian felt his insides twist as he resisted the urge to jump from his seat and run. "Why, Commander! I had no idea you were interested. Should I inform the Inquisitor he has competition? Or perhaps it's him you were after?"

The man sighed. "Well, at least you admit it. Dorian, for once, I ask you to be serious."

Nothing made Dorian want to open his mouth and sass more, but he forced himself to hold it down and nod. Cullen was a good man. Even a friend, perhaps? Hopefully he wouldn't be asking just for the sake of being nosy. "I never pegged you for a gossip, Commander."

"The Inquisitor is a good man." Cullen said, ignoring his comment. He leaned back in his chair, eyes scanning Dorian carefully. "He's been a good friend to me, even though he had real cause not to. He has helped me in more ways than one, many times." Dorian opened his mouth, but Cullen waved him off. "You've been a good friend to me as well, Dorian; I wish you both happiness. That's not why I brought it up." For a moment, Cullen stayed silent as he carefully moved a piece on the board. "Alarion is a tad more native than he seems, I think. He grew up so isolated in his clan, almost never seeing humans at all. To be sent to the Conclave must have been overwhelming. To lead such a large human organization? That would be hard for anyone. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for someone who didn't even understand simple human culture and rules."

"Your point, Commander?" Dorian said quietly, mouth feeling dry.

Cullen looked up for the briefest moment, flashing him a grin before moving his gaze back to the game. "I like you Dorian. But hurt him and I won't hesitate. You may be a powerful mage, but I'm not exactly a weak ex-templar. I won't hold back, and I won't be quick. Do us both a favor and do not let that happen."

It took a while before Dorian managed to find his voice again. The idea that someone as powerful as Cullen making threats was enough to make any reasonable person nervous. The knowledge that he was doing it for Alarion's sake? It warmed his core. Should he be terrified or relieved?

"Very well, Cullen."

The man nodded. "Good, I'm glad we have an understanding. It's your move, by the way."

o.O.o

It was a dark night with the moon hidden behind the clouds. Alarion was off learning how to dance with Josephine, leaving Dorian wondering what to do with himself. He had tried reading, but he had a hankering for company (which had nothing to do with the fact he hadn't been able to spend time with that blasted elf!). So, tucking a single book under his arm in case he changed his mind, he headed towards the tavern. Just as he approached it and the light from the torches illuminated him, he heard a voice. "Dorian."

"Seeker," Dorian nodded in her direction. It sounded like she was near the training dummies, but he couldn't see in the dark.

"I need to speak with you." Her voice continued, sounding like it was drawing closer. Before he could respond, however, Cassandra appeared in view. She grabbed him by the shirt and dragged them over to her usual spot. Once away from the tavern, she released him. "Don't be cute." She snapped.

"I haven't even said anything yet!"

"I know. But don't be cute anyway." He couldn't see her expression, but he could see that her body language was that of one waiting to attack.

"To what do I owe such a forceful pleasure, Seeker?"

"I told you not to be cute!" She snapped.

"I can't help being so cute and handsome, Cassandra."

For a moment, he was worried she would hit him. Instead, she folded her arms and leaned on one of her legs. "I confronted the Inquisitor, and he confirmed it, though in his usual annoyingly coy way. The two of you are together."

"I–"

"Hurt him, Dorian, and I will _throttle_ you. Don't think I won't."

Without another word, she turned and stormed off.

o.O.o

Two days later, Dorian was quietly reading in his alcove when a loud voice interrupted him.

"Oi, Magebits!"

He already felt exasperated. "Sera, you actually set foot in the library? I didn't think you knew how to read."

"Ugh!" Her face crunched up in disgust. "All them stinky, dusty, spidery, books? Why do I need'em anyway? Fat lot o' good it'll do you when facing Corphy-fish and fade-arse. Fight, fight, arrow in your face. Book won't do that. Read, words, blah, papercut and shite."

"Right." Dorian nodded. "Then what are you doing in here? Pulling more pranks?"

"Not now. I came to show you this!" Only now did he notice that she had her arm behind her back Smiling, she dramatically revealed it. "Ta-dah!"

"An arrow?" Why was he surprised?

"Not just ' _a_ ' arrow! _Your_ arrow!" She grinned eagerly before turning it over, gushing out as she showed him. "Look-y here! Your name's on it and shit!"

Leaning forward, he examined it closer and saw that, though very crudely, 'Doorein' was carved onto the arrowhead. Unable to keep most of his sarcasm out, he said, "How serendipitous."

"Funny, right? Bet this one came outta your arse too!" She giggled like mad before grinning wildly at him. "It's for your sparkly arse actually, should you ever decide to hurt Dots. Only I'm allowed to push him around. Oh, and Varric… and Bull! Don't think anyone can stop him from pushing people around. The guy's _big_." Laughing again, she turned and jumped off the balcony onto, from the sound, Solas' desk below.

o.O.o

When Alarion had noticed the lad missing, he begged Dorian to go look for him, knowing fully well that he needed to oversee some reports. The mage relented after only a few moments of mock resistance. He hoped quietly that the elf never found out how rare it was that he could say "no" when he made those big doe eyes.

He overheard a few scouts mentioning how that 'strange one' had headed towards the beach. Carefully, Dorian stepped over the rocks on the cliff-side and headed down the small slope from the camp to the shore. It took only a quick glance to spot the lad perched on a rock, legs swinging. Nodding, the lad jumped down. Dorian gave a gasp and quickly shot up a barrier for Cole. It turned out to be pointless as he swung onto a lower rock before landing with a roll onto the sand.

"What _is_ it with you rogues?" Dorian snapped, drawing closer. "I've watched Sera jump off roofs; I've seen _you_ jump off cliffs; and don't even get me started on Alarion! Did you know he jumped off the battlements at Skyhold?"

"You worry, but it doesn't hurt."

"Being a rogue doesn't make you invincible. I swear, Varric is the only sane one of you."

Cole nodded at him slowly, apparently agreeing. Without a word, they turned and started heading back to camp. But, without warning, Cole turned towards the beach. Dorian hesitated for a moment before following him, grumbling under his breath as his feet crunched against the rocky sand below him.

They walked in silence for a bit, with Dorian doing his best to try and ignore the crashing waves. Just thinking about the way they pushed and pulled made him queasy.

Cole looked over at the waves before turning to talk to Dorian. "I think we're friends, Dorian."

He chuckled. Despite all his prodding, there was a certain endearment with the lad. "I'm glad you think so, Cole."

"I like you. You don't like to hurt people."

"I enjoy your company as well, Cole. What brought this up?"

He hesitated, looking at his feet before facing Dorian again. "I'm realer now – more human. I can see connections and how people and actions affect one another like I couldn't before. Before, I could tell that people had relationships with others to make the hurts hurt less. Now, I see that they mean much so much more. I can understand love better."

"Fascinating," Dorian admitted. "Though I fail to see how this relates."

"You and the Inquisitor fit together like two splinter halves of wood. All jagged and ends, yet, somehow, fit together. But…"

"But?" Dorian prodded, feeling his cheeks redden.

"Splinters hurt the most when they're put in the tenderest spots." He shuffled his feet, suddenly looking scared. "No one can hurt you like Alarion can. No one can hurt him like you can. I already asked him, and he told me he would never intentionally hurt you. I made him promise he never would. But-but I need you to promise too! You're my friend, and he's my friend! It's complicated and I'm trying to understand!"

"Cole… you…?" Dorian wasn't sure how to respond. Warmth was spreading through his chest at the idea that such a sweet young man cared about him so much.

"You make each other happier than you ever were apart. I want you two to _stay_ happy. Promise, Dorian? Promise you'll never hurt him?"

His cheeks warmed as he bent down slightly so he could see the boy's face a little better. His usual wide eyes were even bigger than normal. Large and frightened with tears brimming at the edges. "I'd never purposely hurt Alarion. You know that. But, even so, I promise, Cole."

"Thank you." The lad nodded at him, head bobbing violently. "Thank you, Dorian."

Dorian nodded at him before straightening himself up. "Now that that's out of the way, let's head back to camp. Our darling Inquisitor is worried about you, you know. Best to put him at ease before he sends a search party."

o.O.o

"The Inquisitor is a good man."

Dorian growled, turning around to glare at the sudden voice. "Oh, goody. Are you here to threaten me too?"

"Perhaps." Solas laced his fingers together behind his back. "The young man was not how I expected. He is wise beyond his years and has a heart unlike those I have witnessed in waking life."

"Excellent. Glad we finally agree on something."

The mage was silent for a moment, staring at him carefully. "I respect him."

"Good for you, Solas." He rolled his eyes, trying to turn back to his books.

The, the elf said nothing. When he finally spoke, his voice was already near the stairs. "I have no need to threaten you, Dorian. You know how I can walk the Fade. You already know what I can do to you. I will not be merciful."

o.O.o

"I'm surprised you haven't said anything yet, Varric."

The dwarf chuckled, gaze still on his paper. "I'm assuming you mean the whole 'shovel talk' that seems to be going around."

" _Shovel_ talk?"

"Yeah, you know, 'I have a shovel and I'll bury your body if you hurt him'."

"Did you coin that together?" Dorian came around the table and sat on a chair that wasn't full of parchment.

"I sure did."

Dorian regarded him a moment. "And? You're not going to threaten me?"

He chuckled again. "Sorry, Sparkler. Bianca already has her hands full with the last guy I gave the shovel talk to. Besides, Glowy has plenty of people ready to defend him. Nah, if anything, I'd give the talk the other way around."

Dorian had to laugh at that. "Please Varric. Have you met him? The elf battled his way through Venatori and Red Templars just to put flowers on some graves. I'm fairly certain he literally wears his heart on his sleeve. He doesn't have it in him to be callous."

"All true." The dwarf finally put down his pen to stare at Dorian. "It's his selflessness that would lead to any type of pain between you two. If it came down to it, Glowy would sacrifice himself to save Thedas a hundred times over. He has no choice, really. His heart is too pure to do anything other than the right thing. You, on the other hand, would rather see the world burn before you let a single hair on his head be touched."

For a moment, Dorian was at a lost for words. Varric always seemed like he had a knack for seeing right through him. It was disconcerting. "Good thing he's our savior. Being so selfish will save everyone."

He chuckled. "Glad you at least didn't try to deny it."

"I've never claimed to be a good person, Varric." Wanting to change the subject, Dorian settled more comfortably into his chair. "Care to tell me the tale of the last time you gave the 'shovel talk'?"

With a far off smile, Varric lowered his voice and began. "After three long years separated, Broody and the Champion finally managed to come back together. After hurting her so badly, I knew I couldn't leave it be without saying something. So, one night, I snuck into his rundown stolen mansion. I can still smell the rotting mold on the walls if I close my eyes hard enough."

o.O.o

"You have collected many amazing allies, _amatus_."

Alarion stopped his messy disrobing to glance over his shoulder at him. "Is this about the Orlesians we just allied with? Dread Wolf take them for all I care."

"A Dalish elf who spent so little time with humans before the conclave has already decided that Orlesians are terrible?" He smiled fondly at him. "You always did have excellent taste, _amatus_."

He grinned back. "Or did you mean yourself? You certainly are amazing."

"It's true." Dorian remarked, feeling warmth spreading through him. "Though, I was actually referring to your cliché-named 'inner circle'."

"You think?" The elf asked, face becoming serious at once. The dramatic change in facial expressions was always so adorable. "Sometimes I wonder if they even like me."

"Who are you referring to?"

"Vivienne definitely." He made a face. "Even though I got her that one heart and all those books, she still hates me. Not that I care that much. We disagree way too much to get along."

"What about you and Cassandra? You two disagree most of the time."

"Maybe, but Cassandra has a lot of respect for my decisions." He huffed, folding his arms. "I've given up on pleasing the 'Iron Lady'. If she's going to disapprove over me not executing my prisoners; I don't care anymore. I'm not about to get rid of her, but I'm not going to go out of my way to invite her along."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm sure that the feeling is extremely mutual."

"She only joined the Inquisition because it would benefit her. She made no attempt to hide that. I don't like her." Alarion shook his head again before continuing. "Varric likes me, I think. But, then again, he likes most people. Cole likes everyone. Everyone else… I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

"I wonder sometimes." He looked down at his feet, shifting his weight. "I don't know if they like me or they like the fact that people think I'm chosen."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that, _amatus_. I have a feeling they care very much for you as a person _and_ as leader. Not so much being a 'Herald'."

After pausing to look at his feet a little longer, he looked up at Dorian with a wide grin stretching across his face. "Good!" He approached slowly, his half-removed clothes lying loosely around him. "But there are none I care about more than you."

Dorian snorted. As he spoke, Alarion wrapped him arms around his waist, now pulling the mage close. "If you were anymore sappy, _amatus_ , I think–"

His retort was swallowed up by Alarion's greedy mouth. He wanted to tut and pull away to chastise him, but the thought vanished rather quickly along with all the others.

* * *

 **Leliana considered saying something, but decided against it. Instead, she watched and was ready to strike at the first sign of Alarion's unhappiness.**  
 **Josie wrote a letter to be sent to Dorian's parents at a moment's notice to insure blackmail. She opted not to tell Dorian, convinced the surprise would be half the burn.**  
 **Bull actually gave the talk to Alarion… but his involved more suggestions than threats. Alarion walked away red as a tomato.**  
 **Blackwall/Thom decided it wasn't any of his business.**  
 **And Vivienne thought about saying something, but then remembered how Alarion let Dorian read the Circle books before returning them to her. She decided that she didn't care enough to give the effort.**  
 **By the way, Alarion and Vivienne eventually develop a mutual, but begrudgingly, respect for each other.**


End file.
